Weddings are like Football Games with Cake! Guest Blogger - Jeff Lutz

Weddings are supposed to bring 2 people together as 1. Yet, the whole process splits people apart. As soon as you walk into the church you got to choose sides. I'm rooting for the groom. I hope the groom wins! Oh, here comes the ring bearer. He's on the bride's side. Boo! Hiss! Boo ring bearer!

Depending on the type of ceremony, you got to know the different cheers. Jewish Wedding: Hava nagila, hava nagila, have 2 nagilas they're very small! Catholic Wedding: God to the left, God to the right, up and down God. Snoop Dogg's Catholic Wedding: Give it up for the G-O-double Dizzle! 

At the reception, the bride drops back to throw the bouquet and all the girls go long. ALL the single women want it. They fight like jackals for it! The guy throws the garter. All the men back off like it's laced with anthrax! Inevitably, the 7-year-old ring bearer recovers the fumble because he just doesn't know any better.

For a guy, watching your friend get married is like watching Joe Montana's 49ers move up and down the field on the Detroit Lions - any Detroit Lions team. It's brutal! "What are you thinking? Oh, come on! Not the chicken dance with the bride's dad! You're better than this!" Hell, the guy getting married doesn't even want to be there! If a guy could get away with it, he'd already be at the reception getting hammered as his friends relay the signals in from the press box. He'd have a cardboard cut out on the altar, just constantly nodding, waiting for the girl back at the hotel.

While the girls, of course they're a bit mesmerized by the whole Disney like atmosphere, the Super Bowl pageantry. But, when it comes right down to it they'd rather be playing in the big game than watching from the sidelines. They're staring at their girl friend as she walks down that aisle thinking, "How is she getting married before me? How is she getting married before me?"

Finally, at the end the guys are like, "Congratulations! (you poor bastard)"

The girls are like, "Congratulations! (Bitch!)" 

I'm the Best Man? Guest Blogger: Jeff Lutz

Weddings have a tendency to make me question friendships. It's just one of those times I start to think about my life and the choices I've made and if I really know this person well enough to have to rent a tuxedo and buy a gift? Yeah, sure we've been best friends for 15 years but I didn't know your favorite song was "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred and that peach tree was your favorite color. I didn't even know there was a color peach tree! You'd think a best man should know that!  

See, this is why guys never want their friends to get married. It's not that we think you can do better. We know you can't. We really don't know how you did this good in the first place. It's just we don't want to go through all the wedding hullabaloo!

And now I'm supposed to be the best man! I've never considered myself best man. Not unless I had two mediocre men around me. I feel like I could be the slightly above average man, the pretty good man but BEST MAN? Really? 

I have to make a toast. Before I became best man, the only thing I knew about toast was I butter it every morning. I got to throw a bachelor party. It's ridiculous! My friend is a cop and all of his friends are cops. I think they should set it up! They already have the best drugs and know all the hookers by first name. And they can top off the night by giving themselves breathalyzer tests on the way out!

I do like that label, though. Best Man. Because whatever I do - even if I take a dump in my pants and make out with the bride's mom - I'm still the Best Man. Might be the worst man tomorrow but at that wedding - Best Man! 

Written by guest blogger:  Jeff Lutz

Comedian - Jeff Lutz!

For all you comedy lovers out there...here's a show you should definitely check out!  The schedule is listed below if you're interested in a fun night of comedy!

This Saturday night January 29th 9pm I'll be performing at The Set NYC at the Sullivan Room at 218 Sullivan Street Underground Basement in the West Village. $10 Cover. Show goes from 7:30pm to 10pm. Go to TheSet.Com for more info!

This Monday night January 31st 8pm I'll be performing at the New York Comedy Club 241 E. 24th Street 212-696-5233. $15 Cover 2 drink 1 kidney minimum. Go to www.NewYorkComedyClub.com for more information and to make reservations!

Saturday February 12th 8pm I'll be performing at The Creek 10-93 Jackson Ave Long Island City, NY 11101. Free admission! No drink minimum! Go to TheCreekLIC.com for more info!

JEFF LUTZ relates to people in a way that not only makes them agree, but laugh as well.  "I'll tell ya what's annoying is that Red Cross. Because I want to give my blood. But, everytime I try they start asking all these personal questions... Have you ever taken prescription medicine? Have you ever had a tattoo? Have you ever done drugs? Have you ever drank alcohol within the last 15 years? 15 days? 15 minutes? Have you ever had unsafe sex? Have you ever had a head injury? Have you ever had unsafe sex that resulted in a head injury? No wonder there's a blood shortage! Who are they looking for Mother Theresa???"  And he's not afraid to turn on himself.  "I look like I'm 14, I sound like I'm 35.  The only time people take me seriously is at Halloween." 

www.JeffLutzComedy.com


www.youtube.com/JeffLutzComedy

Pepper Guy Says:  "We love you Jeff!"